Been a weird couple of days for me. Yesterday, I went to the eye dr...yet another one...with mixed expectations...not sure of what I wanted to happen. Here is what I got. Less than a month from now, I will have cataract surgery. I'm not even thirty-five yet and I am having cataract surgery!!! Their are two parts that kind of scare me (beyond puking all over the doc when he sticks an i.v. in me and then operates on my eye WHILE I'M AWAKE!!!) 1. is that it won't work. I'll still not be able to see because my eyesight stinks so bad. Nothing ever works right for me in my eyes anyway (what a downer!). I'm afraid to get real excited knowing that with my history, it might not be as good as the doc hopes. The other is that I will have another retinal detatchment. This surgery puts me at a higher risk than I already am. Both of these fears, I have to deal with. They are real fears but not anything that overcomes the good that can come out of this. God, I pray for healing again. Make my eyes work so good that no one has any doubt that it came from you.

There are so many lessons that I learn about human kind when I think about this. So many do the same thing with loving God as I am doing with this surgery. We say...I don't want to get my hopes up because I have been burned so many times before. Or, loving God like he wants me to love Him might make things so much worse than before. I don't know where I'm going with this...just thinking with my fingers.

Thursday, we go on staff retreat. This is one of these things that I both dread and look forward to. I look forward to time together with people I love. I look forward to being challenged by men and mostly by my Father. I look forward to Brian grabbing my shoulder and walking me closer and closer to walk like Jesus. I fear failure. I fear coming away with no answers. I fear having to be truthful to people when it might "hurt their feelings". And, I can't stand sitting in meetings ALL DAY LONG. Father, will you just show up. That will be so much more than enough. God, change us as a staff family more into what your son would love as a bride. Purify us this weekend...strengthen us...make us stronger...God you will be my rock through the good and the bad of this weekend. I love you so much God. I'm nothing without you.

Your son,

Doyle

Now off to watch E sing and CC direct. Woohoo..Elementary choir!!!